i never hollywood it, because i don't like to hollywood

caerial @ 2009-12-13T12:28:00

2009-12-13T20:28:00Z

Won my first sit'n'go in a while.
...Played my first sit'n'go in a while.
XP

Heads-up NLHE for very, very, very low stakes.

Window Shopping

2009-12-13T01:39:30Z

Went Christmas shopping today.

And because I'm apparently a total masochist, I decided to find Super/System in Borders and stare at it for a few minutes. (It took a while to find it because it was in the tiny GAMES section on the VERY TOP SHELF! and there was only one copy.)

While putting it back was devastatingly painful, taking a look was not a completely useless adventure. I've figured out why this book so so damn expensive.

It's so damn huge. XP

This is a good thing! Because I now have huge hopes that this book will make me a ~~zen master~~ ~~super ninja~~ pro poker player. <3

caerial @ 2009-12-11T18:35:00

2009-12-12T02:35:41Z

No Limit Holdem
Total Enrolled: 5000
Busted Out: 548th
Endtime: 6:35PM

YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT, SELF!

Most Likely to Fail in a Stressful Situation

2009-12-11T23:12:30Z

So, I exit sixth period with the intention of making a mad dash for the bus in an attempt to catch the first bus because, well, who wants to wait around an extra twenty minutes after school on a Friday for a second bus?

I exit sixth period and it's raining. No, in fact, it's pouring.

The downpour catches me with a binder of important school things and my copy of On The Road in hand. Of course, I think, "Oh, crap. Must not get On The Road wet." Because it's so much more important than all all my school stuff.

And, since I'm a CindY, of course I solve this problem by shoving On The Road down my shirt. Which was clearly the logical thing to do.

...I need a dunce cap.
:\

Writer's Block: The One Movie Everyone Should See

2009-12-10T20:33:59Z

What one film do you think everyone should see?

Sponsored by The Official AVATAR Community on TypePad. See AVATAR in theaters December 18, 2009.

View 520 Answers

Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.

Of course I'm going to abuse every chance I get to advertise my favorite movie. <3

caerial @ 2009-12-10T12:30:00

2009-12-10T20:28:21Z

Got my second 8 in English today. That makes two in a row, and the only thing I can think is, "God, pocket eights sucked in last year's main event."

...too much poker. xP

People are afraid to merge on the freeway.

2009-12-09T05:12:36Z

Have appointment to take behind-the-wheel test at 3:00PM on 01.06.10. Hope I pass! Am definitely going back to Vegas. Will leave on Sunday and start driving back on Friday. Not, uh, this upcoming Sunday, of course. Sometime over the summer. July, probably. Depends on ~~Peter.~~ my schedule. Started reading On The Road. I keep pronouncing 'Sal' Sam in my head and, yeah, that does make the book make more sense. Dean is pretty kick-ass so far. Bought second copy of The Rules of Attraction. Need to start making notes in that. Flipped it open today to skim. First word I see: Peter. Was kind of creepy. Haven't been sleeping much. Need to do that and probably should do some schoolwork, too. Am considering taking a few days off from the internet and poker. Tried taking half an hour off from poker. Could not stop wondering if I would have called Demidov's all in if I were Peter. (Final decision: freaking duh.) The weather here is crazy. I love it. Very close to obtaining sub for the 18th. Woot woot. House is no longer being invaded for Christmas weekend. (Hopefully.) Have been accepted into CSU East Bay. I'm so proud of myself. Sarcasm aside, a backup school is a backup school. At least I have one locked in now! :D Looking forward to seeing y'all again on the 20th~

~~PS I hope I graduate high school.~~

By the way.

2009-12-07T20:43:47Z

Apparently, my name is CindY now.

caerial @ 2009-12-06T00:49:00

2009-12-06T08:49:47Z

7 Card Stud
Total Enrolled: 5744
Busted Out: 484th
Endtime: 12:47AM

Considering I still don't really have any idea how to play stud well and was half asleep for the last half hour of this tourney, I'm pretty damn proud of myself. <3

Disappear Here

2009-12-05T07:44:40Z

I was pondering whether or not I should angst like a whiny emo bitch about what happened tonight.

On the one hand, there's a little voice in the back of my head (Bob) saying, "You're always a whiny emo bitch. Shut the fuck up and go to bed."
On that same hand, there's another little voice in the back of my head (me) saying, "No need to angst to the internet. That just trivializes your personal problems, and these problems are not trivial. Plus, they're personal. Not to be shared."

On the other hand, there's the fact that, "LJ is for whiny emo bitches to whine and bitch."
Also on this other hand, I also think, "I should trivialize these problems because the first step to banishing your monsters is telling yourself they aren't real. Don't be scared of the dark, Sammy."

I've decided to angst like a whiny emo bitch about what happened tonight.

So.

Depending on where you were last night, you may have already heard my half-hearted rant about my dad agreeing to let some people live at our house for a few days. Maybe I should explain that story in full, first.

A month, maybe two, ago, one of the guys my dad used to work with in China (I thought it was college friends, but were actually old co-workers; my mistake) contacted him to catch up. They got to talking, and my dad agreed to make a forum/blog where they could find their other old co-workers and get to know each other again. This is fine and all because I want my dad to have more friends. It'd a good thing. Plus, he gets to show off his web-developing skills. Always a good thing.

A few days ago, one of these guys puts up a post asking for everyone's contact information so he can compile a list of it to refer to. Nice guy. My dad's a nice guy, too, and so he offers up all his info like some sort of saint. Fast and easy. Or is that a prostitute? The guy never does post the list he talks about, but he does call my dad.

They talk, and it's nice because, again, I want my dad to have more friends.

Well, I suppose now I don't want him to have this friend because he called my dad's cell phone yesterday and had the nerve to ask if he and his family could live here from the 25th to 27th while they see some sights around the area. Without consulting me or my mother, my dad says 'yes'.

Which I'm absolutely not okay with for the following reasons:
1) The 25th is Christmas. Even though celebrations will be done by nighttime, it's a family holiday. It's my favorite holiday. It's family time. I hate that my father couldn't realize how this would ruin Christmas for, if not him, me. Perhaps he didn't realize it was Christmas, which I could forgive. This just slightly irritates me.
2) This is a man, his wife, and kid (we know nothing about this kid; age, gender, nothing). We don't have room in our house to house three people. Physical space? Sure. We do not have two extra beds for them to use. We do not have an extra shower for them to use. By inviting them to our house, my dad is putting a load of work on my mother that she does not want and does not need. It is a complete and total invasion of my privacy, as they will be sleeping in the room right next to mine. As I told Victoria, they might kill me. She told me to lock my door. I told her we didn't have locks. She concluded, "Oh, dude. You're dead." I agree with this sentiment, and thus not with the idea of inviting virtual strangers into our home.
3) These are virtual strangers. My father has never met the wife or the kid and he has not spoken to the man in well over a decade. Regardless of whether or not they were great friends way back when, which as far as I can tell they weren't, ten years is a long time and for all we know these people really could be crazy ax-murderers. That's not really my concern, of course. My concern is that he doesn't know the habits and personalities of these people. They could be loud and disruptive. They could be greedy pigs. They probably are greedy pigs, just judging on their ability to be so selfish as to ask to terrorize our home during the holidays. I truly believe they are terrible people, and I don't want them in the house.
4) He didn't ask first. What a typical man thing to do.

I spend most of last night and today being somewhat pissed at him and acting nice when talking to him because I wouldn't be able to stop yelling at him if I started. By the time he came home from work today, I had accepted that, if there was nothing he could do about it, we would have strangers in our house on Christmas. I was still mad at him, of course, but this was a muted anger that I felt no need to express. And although accepting, I was so totally not willing. Neither was my mother, and we resolved to kindly ask him if it would be at all possible to inform the strangers that we'd changed our minds. We had even researched several hotels nearby and gotten a contact who could get them a decent price.

Of course, I couldn't confront him with his. He's my elder and he owes me no respect. This is what my mom says, anyway, and I suppose I agree. So she talks to him about it. I'm not allowed to listen, but I've just heard the story.

Mom asks, as gently as possible, if we could perhaps suggest a few hotels to them because it's really far too inconvenient to house them for three days when we don't have a downstairs bathroom and guest bedroom to spare.
Dad says, if you don't like it, get out of my house.

I will never in my life forgive my father for one thing, and that is cheating on my mom. It's one of the only things I remember from my childhood, and it's an emotional scar that will be with me forever. A part of me has always and will always hate him for being such a horrible person.
This is a second thing I will never forgive him for. If he talks to me like that, fine. He has that right. But he absolutely cannot treat my mom this way.

Fuck him.

"Robby was sitting across from me but I couldn't look at him or say anything. He was silent as well. When I looked up, he had taken off the sunglasses and was staring at me sadly. I started crying while chewing on the hamburger and wiped my face while trying to swallow. All I could say before turning away was 'I'm sorry.'

'It's okay,' he said softly. 'I understand.'

His voice had deepened - he was older now, and was no longer the shy boy I knew those months on Elsinore Lane - and there was something in him that suggested forgiveness. His secret life made him seem less brooding, less sullen. Something had been solved for him. The actor was gone.

I had to keep turning away from him because I was breaking down.

'Why did you leave?' I managed to ask in a hoarse voice. 'Why did you leave us?'

'Dad,' he sighed. The word sounded different from how he had said it in the past. He placed his hand on mine. It was real. I could feel it. 'It's okay.'

I reached over and touched his face with the palm of my other hand, and then his shyness returned and he looked down.

'Don't worry,' the boy said. 'I'm not lost.'"

I finished reading Lunar Park today. Underneath the semi-autobiographical parts, the endless angst, and the surprise supernatural thriller aspect of the story, it was a simple novel about a boy and his father. Bret Easton Ellis, the character in the book, was not there for his son for most of his childhood. He was a failure of a father, and this ultimately resulted in Robby running away from home as a young child. The excerpt above moved me to the point of tears, because it was a reunion and a declaration of forgiveness. It was a touching moment between father and son, just as Ellen and Jo's last moment was a touching moment between mother and daughter.

I truly believe now that I will never have a moment like this with my father. This is of course most likely just the teenager in me speaking, and when I grow up, I may very well forgive him. This may all be trivial, instead of something heartbreaking that I'm simply trying to make trivial. But right now, in this moment, I truly believe:

I will never understand.
My actor has just arrived.
I will never say 'Dad' the same way again.
It will never be okay.

I have just started to become lost.

Saying 'yes' was trivial. I could have forgiven him that. I have forgiven him that. Saying what he said to my mother is unforgivable. I will never be your baby girl again, because you don't deserve me and you sure as hell don't deserve my mother.

Maybe I'm just irrationally angry. Maybe this will all pass in a few days. He's my father, after all. My flesh and blood. Maybe that counts for something. All I know is, right now, it counts for nothing and I doubt there's anyone in the world I like less than him in this moment.

You can't tell my mother to fuck off without consequences.

So, Dad, here's a giant Fuck You from your dear little daughter.

I'd played with this idea, tossed it around jokingly, for a short while now. I never believed in it before. I knew it was a joke. It's not a joke anymore. Fuck your ideas of who I should be, could be, would be if I put just a little bit of effort into life. You can't tell me who I should be when you're not a good person yourself.

I declare this for the world to hear. I declare this in a way such that I won't be able to take it back without looking stupid.

I will be a top professional poker player or die trying, because for the first time ever, I believe in myself.

And I don't believe in you.

"I'm disowning my dad."
"You can't disown your dad. He's the mob."
"Yes, I can.
I'm the fucking Apocalypse."

I Have Survived

2009-11-27T06:49:58Z

BRING ON THE PAIN

2009-11-26T22:54:42Z

Everythingspiration is not a word.

2009-11-20T23:13:07Z

But I just realized.

The Winchesters are my everythingspiration.

They've both been through so much shit and they're both still fighting. I want to stand up when life kicks me down and hit back when it tries to push me again. I want to persevere and never give up. I want to be able to do what I know is right, and refuse what I know is wrong, even when what's right seems stupid. Because the world kind of sucks, with or without supernatural monsters, and I just want to Look Up and Stand My Ground.

When I'm older and I have to choose between telling my kids about the evil in the world or showing them puppies and rainbows and hiding that evil, I want to make the right choice. And no matter what I choose, I want to let them know they can be happy against all odds. (Which John totally didn't really do, but I strive for greater success!)

Not a secret because I'm damned proud to be proud of these boys (and Mary).